This is it! We’ve reached the epic final showdown – the final battle with the final Pillar Man for the Red Stone and the fate of the world.
The Perfect Hair
With Wham at one with the wind, it’s time for Cars to get down to business and get his hands on the Red Stone himself. To show just how serious he is, he removes his headdress to allow his majestic Mane of the Gods to billow untamed and unrestrained in all of its beauty through the freedom of the breeze.
Please take as much time as you need to question your sexuality before moving on.
One on One
The glasses are off! The fight is on! Pushing aside the formidable stack of weapons offered her, Lisa Lisa takes on Cars’s chainsaw arm blades armed with naught but a scarf. It’s easy to see from this battle just how proficient Lisa Lisa really is. She makes no big show, relies on no cunning trickery – her fighting style is incredibly streamlined and efficient, relying only her sharply-honed instincts and reading her surroundings to strike the most decisive possible blow, ending it in a single shot with little fanfare. With just such a decisive ripple-kick to the face, it looks like Cars is down for the count.
But being a powerful warrior means nothing if your opponent is an incorrigible dirtbag.
Look at that smug grin. That little tiara of horns. Cars is such a spoiled little princess he sends his army of servants out to do his dirty work because he always gets what he wants because his daddy never told him “no”. Luckily, JoJo has an army of his own, and thanks to the power of GERMAN SCIENCE (as miniaturized by the Speedwagon Foundation), he’s able to escape the clutches of Cars’s vampiric valets and take on his divinely-coiffed foe.
Hanging by a Thread
Having twice snubbed his nose at the thought of a fair fight, Cars is hardly about to give JoJo the one-on-one battle he wants. In fact, he turns the tables using one of JoJo’s own favorite tricks – a rope trick. Lisa Lisa’s life hangs literally by a thread. As the opening notes of the Roundabout – tense as the rope in his hands – build to the start of the fight, JoJo is all that stands between his teacher (and, as we now learn, his mother) and the pit of spikes below.
Desperate for a plan, JoJo ups the theatrics. Lighting his scarf aflame in a gambit reminiscent of Wham’s eye-gouging, JoJo swings around like a madman to avoid Cars’s reach long enough to form a plan. The Pillar Man has no desire to play Carzan, however, and cuts JoJo’s lifeline, sending the pair of redundantly-named Ripple warriors tumbling to their doom.
Or so it seems, anyway. Too bad for Cars – in his frustration with JoJo’s brashly defiant behavior, he failed to realize that turning JoJo’s favorite trick against him also put him smack in the middle of his comfort zone. Spoiled children never learn their lessons, and Cars failed to learn a very important lesson from Wham – if you’re looking at JoJo when he’s doing something stupid, you’re looking in the wrong place.
CARS IN SPACE!
Cars is down for the count! But JoJo is out of Ripple! It’s time for Stroheim to take matters into his own hands. Squealing with glee at the thought of being the one to finish off the Pillar Men once and for all, he readies the powerful UV amplifier. What he doesn’t realize, however, is that Cars has used that very victory speech as the necessary cover to apply his ultimate trap.
And thus did the Nazis, for all their talk of being the perfect Aryan race, unwittingly create the true Perfect Being.
(gif made by satanniel)
VAMPIRE DUBSTEP SQUIRREL
Here it is, folks! The most awesome, most ridiculous, most absolutely insane episode of the entire series! Episode 25! And just to reinforce that this episode is going to be something extra special, the guys at David Productions overlaid a bunch of sound effects atop the action of the opening theme, a small cheese sampler to whet your appetite for the feast that’s about to come.
Cars is no longer a mere Pillar Man, he is now the Perfect Being. An immortal lifeform without a single weakness he wields a power that can only be described as godlike. He has finally attained the power he has sought tirelessly for millenia. What had he hoped to achieve with such power? What could be so important to him that he would dedicate such efforts to acquiring the Red Stone? Now, with all that he’s always dreamed of, what will he do? What will be his first action as an immortal, as a Perfect Being?
He’s going to turn his hand into a squirrel.
He’s going to turn his hand into a squirrel, and let it snuggle up against his face, and run free and make friends with all the other cute little squirrels that happily frolic about this formerly god-forsaken wasteland.
Only this isn’t just any old squirrel. This is a VAMPIRE DUBSTEP SQUIRREL.
Satisfied with his squirrely antics, Cars calls back his furry friend, and in his joy, offers a rare glimpse at his sensitive side as he transforms the most ill-tempered rodent you ever laid eyes on first into a harmless flower, then a butterfly – further experimenting with his newfound ability to literally play god.
On the horizon, the sun begins to rise. Cars, who had once cowered from its beaming radiance, can at long last bask in its warmth. He smiles his menacing smile as the hair of the gods billows in the sunlight behind him. As the vampires fall to the power of the sun, the Perfect Being rises with it.
JoJo’s Ultimate Plan
Piranhas on a Plane
JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure brings us a blast from the future in the form of Flying Cars! Even JoJo’s ultimate plan will only be able to hold off Cars in his ascendent state for so long, as the revenge-hungry Perfect Being takes to the skies in the most fabulous of fashions to give chase. With no recourse but to buy more time, JoJo continues his plan by following suit.
As established before by the VAMPIRE DUBSTEP SQUIRREL, the primary function of Cars’s godlike powers appears to come in the form of shapeshifting. It’s a large step above the majority of other series whose characters at some point “become god”, in that the way he uses these abilities actually comes across as godlike, as opposed to just being an arbitrary increase in physical strength/beamspamming ability. As he bends the very fabric of life before your eyes, he does seem to have attained a power that is truly transcendent, and transcendent in and of itself rather than merely qualitatively. The narrator enthusiastically agrees as Cars responds to JoJo’s machine-gun-fire with a superior tactic of his own devising:
But even an armadillo-shell-feather-bullet-shield-barrage isn’t something too incredibly unusual. It’s once the projectiles enter the cockpit that Cars demonstrates the absurdity of his command over nature.
Those feathers? They’ve just turned into piranhas. I feel a new SyFy Channel original movie coming on. But first, this plane is gonna come crashing down.
It’s overwhelmingly clear at this point that Cars is just too powerful to be dealt with by conventional means. If it was the power of the Earth that gave him life, perhaps the only way to take that life is to return it to the Earth from which it was borne. This isn’t just Cars vs. JoJo anymore. They’re diving headfirst into the volcano. JoJo’s bringing the power of the planet itself into this fight.
Never one to pursue a fight with anything remotely resembling even odds, Cars will have none of this.
Never one to fail to surprise, Stroheim will have none of that.
Seriously, every time Stroheim has appeared, he has done so in a manner more awesome than the last. Oh, and just to solidify the importance of Go Nagai’s influence in the super-hotblooded-manly-action scene, this is the fifth of these 12 Days of HOTBLOOD posts to prominently feature a Rocket Punch of some kind. While three of them are admittedly from the Mazinger franchise itself, there’s just something so adrenaline-pumpingly silly and larger-than-life about defeating your opponent by launching your severed fist squarely into his face that it’s hard not to love.
Stroheim continues his awesome streak by sacrificing his legs (once again) to bring JoJo to a safe landing – or at least as safe a landing as you can have on the rim of an active volcano. This man puts so much faith in the GERMAN SCIENCE that maintains him that he has at this point essentially surpassed all need for a physical body.
Cars’s landing is… not quite so graceful.
Cars is fully engulfed by the lava. The battle is over; the Pillar Men are at last defeated. That’s all that’s left to the story – clearly the rest of this final episode will be dedicated to the epilogue. Powerful as he was, not even Cars could stand up to the might of the volcano. Or could he?
Not even the thousand-degree pool of molten rock could kill the Perfect Being. All but invincible in his newly-awakened form, Cars holds the world in the palm of his hand. As JoJo makes a last-ditch Ripple strike, Cars turns the tables with a counterattack a hundred times as powerful.
The power of the world, the power of the sun, the power of the Ripple now on his side, Cars readies a decisive Ripple strike – a poetic end for JoJo the Ripple warrior.
However, like Cars before him, JoJo has one final trick up his sleeve for when the hand of death draws near – in fact, it is the very same trick: The Red Stone.
ROCKET PUNCH!!!, Part 2
The force of the Ripple flowing through the Red Stone triggers an eruption, and JoJo and Cars are blasted into the sky.
This is no problem for Cars, as he sprouts his mighty wings and begins to fly away. But the Earth has other plans for him.
We’ve had Rocket Punches from giant robots, Pillar Men, nazi cyborgs, and even Zeus himself, but this is a punch from the very planet. His existence an affront to the entire balance of nature, even the Earth itself fights to rid itself of him. Capitalizing on the distraction as he does best, JoJo triumphantly delivers his trademark magician’s technique to hold the baffled winged beast in place just long enough for a final smattering of debris to rise up to carry him the extra mile.
That this was his plan all along is an obvious lie, but given JoJo’s ability to adapt to any and all circumstances, it may as well have been true. At the very least, it’ll give Cars something to think about on his way out.
CARS IN SPACE!, Part 2
And out indeed he goes. Even all the power of the Earth couldn’t kill Cars, so it tossed him out like a moldy bread (Dio only knows how many he’s eaten in his life) and left him to the cold and cruelty of space.
And there he floats, undying yet unable to live, suffering until the end of time. He doesn’t even get a constellation or anything cool like that. You will find no “Cars, the Pillar Man” in your map of the skies. Because in the end, there’s only one thing that you can get from acquiring all the power in the world: alone.
The ending is upon us. It’s been an amazing ride, and it’s so sad to see Battle Tendency go. The epilogue treats us to some nifty short biographies of the rest of the characters’ lives – such as Stroheim the War Machine or Smokey “Obama” Brown, but even as things wind down, it’s hard to leave this series behind after being through so much together.
Thankfully, this epilogue is as full of hellos as it is with good-byes: JoJo walking in on his own funeral is merely foreshadowing for what is to come.
For in this concluding episode, not only does JoJo rise from the dead, but so does another Holy Diver.
When the episode first aired, we were teased with an image of Stardust Crusaders’ Jotaro Kujo, but no confirmation yet existed of any future adaptation.
But now, on the Blu-Rays, there has been a small addition to the scene:
This spring is going to be a wild ride.